So, I’m in my early thirties, I have a loving fiancé, an adorable dog, a nice house, a decent job, fantastic loving parents, siblings that are a phone call away, I’m healthy, good looking, I’ve got hobbies, I’m in a decent shape, comfortable financially, no children… And yet, I’ve been in and out of a dark rot ever since I can remember.
Lately, the thought that has been overpowering my mind is that I’ve been analyzing my way of going through life. Because yes, just like that, I’ve just recently realized, I’m ‘going through‘ life. What does ‘going through‘ mean? Means you’re just going about, every minute, every hour, every day, until it’s over. Just like going through a tunnel, you come in one way and keep going until you’re out the other. Going through life.
Comparing my way of living to others around me
Everyone around me seems to be ‘living life‘, taking pleasure in life, have a purpose, a goal, an objective and are ‘enjoying‘ life. And here I am, just constantly over-thinking and trying to simply figure out what truly makes me happy (if I even know what that is), who I truly am and what my life amounts to. For the past 20 years, I’ve been ‘going through‘, and every time I stop myself for a moment of self reflection, I wonder what does living mean and what my life means to me specifically.
What does living actually mean?
At its purest form, living basically revolves around surviving until you die right? So… now that we can survive ‘easily’, meaning we don’t have to hunt, grow our own food, build our own house, defend our land, fight off predators, we’re left with a sh*t-ton of time on our hands that we are obligated to fill with something else than survival. Which we ended up filling with new needs.
We need friends, belongings, hobbies, jobs, activities, get-togethers, games, diversity, education, knowledge, self-care, self-growth. We ultimately just need to feel fulfilled. But what is fulfillment. How do you find it? How do you know what truly fulfills you ? How do you know what you’re doing is truly for your sake and not for the sake of others or for the sake of being liked by others?
There are thousands of ways to ‘go through’, ‘kill time’, out there. Some we view as positive like reading a book, taking a walk and some se see as negative like playing video games, drinking with friends. But aren’t they all the same? They all have the same purpose: kill time…. until it’s over. They simply all have a different enticement for different people.
And what if you can’t find what fulfills you? What then becomes of your sh*t-ton of time you have. You end up killing it anyways, just the same as anyone who has found what fulfills them. But you don’t enjoy it. You just go through, seconds by seconds, minute by minute, hour, day, week, month, year. Until you’re 30 years old, and you have no reason to be unhappy, and yet, here you are wondering what makes you truly happy and how to get out of an endless wonder of self.
Wanting to better my lifestyle, what to do ?
I started making my bed in the morning because I figured, if I can do this tiny task every morning, and allow myself to come back to a made up bed every night, maybe it’ll motivate me do to do more tasks that ultimately bring me some sort of satisfaction.
I walk my dog every morning. And instead of just going through it and thinking ‘the quicker I walk, the quicker this is over‘, I actually take the time to breathe, look around, train my dog, and take a path with a steep hill to add in a bit of a leg workout.
I started actually investing some time in learning to cook properly and making sure my fiancé and I eat properly everyday.
I started reading books that I had laying around. Some about self-growth, some about anxiety control, some from high school that I remember I liked and some new ones I am discovering.
I cancelled Netflix. Yeah. Cancelled. I was in front of the tv ALL. THE. TIME. My fiancé and I would spend our entire nights eating and sitting in front of the tv. I was the worst though. I would start a series, binge watch it, then eagerly find the next one to watch. And god knows how many shows Netflix has, and yet if I didn’t find a show that I found interesting, I would re-watch a series… Some of which I watched already 2 or 3 times. I couldn’t help myself, anytime I would have a day to myself I would think :
‘Oh, I’ll have a productive day, I’ll do this, that and the other…’
An then, morning coffee in hand, I would think to myself :
‘Oh, maybe just one episode and then I’ll get started’
And then BAM!
It’s 3pm and my whole productive day is ruined.
What’s next on the to do list of going through life?
After analyzing my lifestyle and ways of going through life, I figured that the idea here, is to do stuff that occupies my mind and that I enjoy. So that is what I will be focusing on doing. Perhaps an ultimate goal will form itself, and I will find a new found appreciation for what living means eventually.
As for right now, I must admit that I still can’t shake the idea that, I see no meaning to living, no goal. I’m still and perhaps always will be ‘going through‘ life.
Lastly
If someone finds this relatable, great. If not, well, I’ve come to understand that putting my thoughts on paper helps me think and process my thoughts and so, those were simply put, thoughts on paper.
Do leave a comment please if you’ve ever felt the same or similar and what your thoughts are on this subject.
